A little more Pregnant info...

I know that the test was a cop out.  It wasn't accompanied by a lot of description.  I sat at the computer contemplating that day whether or not I would explain anything, not that it really needs any, but I just kept going back and forth knowing that I have a dear friend and family members that are struggling with infertility. 

My sister Annie called, actually I think it was a text but whatever, and said, "Uh...do you have something to tell me?"  Apparently someone in my ward that I really don't know all that well found out I was pregnant and they work together and she had mentioned it and I think that it was an awkward situation that barely an aquaintance would know something that I had many opportunities to tell Annie myself.  I wondered about that back and forth in the beginning as well.  I remembered how much I hated finding out that everyone and their dog was pregnant around me BUT me.  It was sometimes so much easier to find out through the grapevine, or the blog, than to have to pretend face to face that you are excited and not hurt that they are pregnant and you're not.  Feeling bad that although you logically know that it isn't the prego person's fault that you are struggling and that they have just as much right to be pregnant as you do, but you just can't stop that burning, aching, empty hurt that pulls at your stomach.  You try so hard to force a smile and say congratulations, but all you're thinking is "why can't I?  Whats wrong with me?"  Then you feel guilty and its just bad, so I thought about it and thought about it and although I love and have a close enough relationship with these women to tell them personally, I decided to just not because that way they would have the chance to curse me, cry, and possibly scream....then process and find their footing again, without being face to face.  I want you both to know I love you and ache so much for you.

I wasn't sure if I was ready for #4.  I've been thinking a lot about it.  EVERYONE had been asking about when it was going to finally be time, but even though I logically knew it wouldn't be like Lilly's pregnancy and that she will be as old as Connor was when I had all 3, I still had this panic feeling everytime I considered it.  So I kept putting it off, putting it off.  I knew Jim really wanted to have another baby, and he was so good at making sure that he didn't pressure me.  I just was scared.  That was a daunting 9 months and a very hard year with the three little little ones. 

Then, the dreams began.  Night after night...I started feeling this deep sense that it was the right thing to do irregardless of my selfish setbacks.  So I made an apt with the doctor since even though they have been technically coming mighty fast, I still have to have help getting pregnant.  I didn't tell anyone that I made the apointment or that I was even thinking about it, I wanted the option of backing out without feeling guilty if I chickened out.  I took the kit home and put it under the bathroom sink and kept saying maybe.  The dreams persisted and I got to where I knew it was the right thing to do, it was just a matter of going through with it. 

Then, we were up in Salt Lake with whole Joe emergency, and at 7 am I get this text from Melina...so random.  "Are you pregnant, don't think I'm crazy...I had a dream last night."  I sat there and looked at it and laughed to myself and thought, geeze Heavenly Father!  I wrote back and said, "Not that I'm aware of..."  Then the dreams got more frequent, I love how I'm sounding like a crazy person myself right now.  Then I was at my dads house and HE tells me that he had a dream as well.  Are you kidding me everyone?? 

So when it was 5 days before AF, I knew that good ole First Response CLAIMS they can detect the prego hormone 6 days before your missed period.  I knew from previous experience that I show negative until I'm like 7 days late, at least.  But I still tried.  Negative...next day, negative again.....next day, same thing.  I just kept taking them.  I knew that I was.  I really had no symptoms aside from hunger, that metalic taste, and having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but I knew it.  So 7 tests later, it was posative.  The funny thing was going to WalGreens at 9 pm to buy a prego test, and you buy random-so do not need items to COVER the pregnancy test because you forgot your wedding ring at home and you really don't want that sympathy "so sorry you're knocked up" look from the cashier- look that they give, and there's these two bonehead guys behind me trying to talk to me.  They looked really young and probably would've hit on anything female.  Finally the cashier looks at my random choice-Mr Steamy item, (you put it in your dryer and its supposed to save you ironing, it doesn't work by the way but had a big enough box to cover my prego test) and the cashier looks at it and says, "Do these work?  I've never tried one."  I so wanted to get out of there, but of course bone head #1 behind me says, "I heard they do."  So I turned around and said, while holding up the pink box like the price is right, "She was asking about this digital pregnancy test, you've tried it, eh?"  It was pretty funny.  They didn't talk to me anymore after that.

So here I am.  #4.  I'm due on Jim's birthday, March 18th. I figure I don't have to give him anything....when has he grown a human being inside him for MY birthday present??  I told Connor, he said that we should name his brother Dudley.  Dudley Doo Doo Burgess, I asked him what if its a girl, he yells, "NO MORE SISTERS!!"  OK....OK....just make sure to take that up with your daddy if SHE ends up being Dudley-Ann.

I will prove one day that I have an abnormal uterus.  I was just talking to Alayna Marriott, who just moved into our ward, YAY!  She's 20 weeks I think, BARELY has this cute little bump and was saying how she's just showing so much sooner than she usually does, I'm thinking....if you only knew that I'm like 5 seconds along and I'll be MATCHING your size tomorrow.  I really don't get it, it happens every time.  I know that I'm squatty so theres not a lot of room there, but Really?  Its like the size of a peanut and 15 pounds later I look 5 months along.  I really don't get it.  I will PROVE I have a weird not so normal baby maker.  Argghhh...I hate this stage, this- in between, don't even think of fitting into anything but sweats unless you're going to have the courage to break out your maternity clothes early, which I don't-stage. 

I'm excited.  I visited Aurelie a few weeks ago and held sweet Liza and smelled her neck, and smelled her newborn poop (I didn't actually pick the diaper up and savor it like a flower, I was just sitting talking with Aur while she was changing her) and felt a little ache to hold my own again.  I can't believe Lilly will be 2 on tuesday.  Time has flown. 

I'm so blessed.  I look at what I've been given and continue to recieve and keep waiting for the bottom to drop.  No one should ever be this blessed, it throws the way things should be way off axis.  But, I'll keep enjoying it while its mine, and hope that others can enjoy a piece of it in their own life.