Letter from Avery...

I have felt so guilty and have learned an incredible lesson through my friend Candice's trial.. Back when I got pregnant with Lilly I really struggled in the beginning with it. The end of Lauren's pregnancy was so awful that I wasn't sure when I would be ready to get pregnant again. I always felt a twinge of guilt every time I cried or complained about Lilly's pregnancy because I knew Candice's situation, but I also remembered literally begging my Heavenly Father to bless me with a baby for 4 years. I remember one night, I was about 6 months along, I had just found Candice's blog and I clicked on the beginning so that I could catch up with the details of Avery's Pregnancy and birth. You really should click on it and read it for yourself, but I remember reading the part where they knew after months of tests and ultrasounds that the daughter that they had given everything to get wouldn't live past birth. Candice described the feelings and emotions as she wrote that the only relationship she would have with Avery would be in the womb, and that she was so thankful for every single kick, every movement, and was thankful for every second Avery was still in her tummy because in there she was safe and alive. In that exact moment, as I'm literally reading those words, Lilly was doing flip flops in my stomache and I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of not only guilt, but gratitude for this sweet little Lilly girl. I cried and cried.

I called my friend Beckie. We love to get together and write songs. Beckie is hands down one of the most talented song writers I've ever met. I told her to look at Candice's blog and told her I wanted her to help me write a song for her about Avery. Beckie didn't write a single note for three months, only prayed and fasted about it...wanting it to be perfect for Candi. She read on Candi's Blog where she wrote a letter to Avery and came up with the idea of "Letter from Avery." We got together, she rewrote some wordes, I rewrote some words, and came up with this song. She'd play a chord and I'd sing her what melody I heard in my head. Can I just tell you how amazing Beckie is? The poor thing has to deal with my minimal music theory...I'd tell her, "No...no, its more like a dun-dun-dah (while I play my imaginary piano)" and she can miraculously makes sense of that and change a key here and there.

When we were working on it, we sat on my Aunt Venita's piano bench stumped. Some of the words worked, some didn't. I was pregnant at the time, about 1 month shy of having Lilly, and I remembered that night reading Candi's blog and how guilty I felt for my attitude about the pregnancy, and I tried to think of what was happening inside me...then those words came to me..."I lived close to your heart, as close as I could be I knew the sound of its beat, I know the song you sang to me." Which is probably the only thing I really contributed to the song. Aside from a word here and there to make the phrase singable, Beckie did most of the writing. Then Beckie came up with a duet at the end to have her daughter Tori sing. So sweet.

Anyway, I gave it to Candice last night. TERRIFIED. We were both so worried that it would sound like we were trying to assume what Avery would think or say. There's such a fine line between comforting and inflicting more pain. I was so relieved that Candice liked it, we were relieved I should say. Thank you Candi for allowing us this opportunity, for letting us borrow Avery for a few months, for your incredible example of faith and endurance. I'm so grateful to have you in my life again. Here's the song... (the lyrics are under it)