What I have learned Part1

I posted the last post of "What I have learned after 4 kids" on facebook.  I don't really know why and what made it come up, I was just doing laundry and it was the day after Easter and the kids were begging me to help them hunt for eggs.  At first I told them that I would when I was finished, then I saw the look on Lauren's face as she walked away and knew that I didn't want to teach her that folding dumb laundry (which I hate anyway) was more important than her right then.  If I kept doing that, she would eventually quit asking and grow up finding other people to give her the attention she needed.  Not what I want.  So....laundry waited that day, and as I watched the three of them hunt and find eggs over and over again I realized all the other things that I have learned to "get over" and all the things I have seen differently lately.

So I posted it.  I think 5 years ago I wouldn't have.  I wouldn't have wanted anyone to know that I wasn't the perfect mom that I thought everyone else was.  But lately, I have learned to accept what I'm not and recognize the things that I am.  I may not be able to do a lot of things that other moms that I look up to can, but I have been given talents of my own that I am grateful for.  After I posted it, I got a lot of comments from mothers that I look up to that identified with what I had written and had even added tid bits of their own experiences.  I thought....man, what we could all learn if we allowed each other to learn from our experiences, both good and bad.  AND how much better would we feel knowing that we are not alone and possibly not the terrible moms I think we all feel we are at times.  AND how much could we grow from that knowledge?  SO...from now on, I am going to post more of my thoughts.  Not necessarily for others, but mostly for me and for my eventual goal of printing this blog so that my kids know who I was and can learn from my mistakes and triumphs.  Because of that, I need to apologize and forewarn right now that I may turn my brain filter off and it may get personal and long.  Consider yourselves warned.

Today's "What I have learned" is probably what I feel is the most important lesson I have ever learned.  A lesson that I feel if EVERYONE in this world learned, we would be in a much different society than we find ourselves in.  I call it, focusing on the INtent and not the CONTENT.

When we were growing up my dad was a firefighter for the city of Las Vegas.  He was a real life hero.  Spent his days saving the lives that he could, and unfortunately taking personally the ones that he couldn't.  He was always worried about us, terrified that we would end up like the calls he dreaded when a child had been hit by a car, drowned, and all the other horrific things that his job unfortunately required him to see.  We all knew that we were allowed to ride our bikes, but never ever in the street.  Only on the sidewalk.  My brother Adam, at the time just a toddler, prided himself on his record breaking speed he could zoom down the street on his big wheel with.  He literally wore out more than one wheel and he loved it.  But he kept testing his skills in the street.  My dad told him time and time again to please stay on the sidewalk and Adam kept testing his boundaries out in the street. My dad had finally had it.  I don't remember my dad ever spanking us, but that day he paddled my brother's behind. I'm sure that fear more than anger had taken over my dad and a bum spanking was better than the bumper of a car.  Adam sobbed.  And in between sobs he said, "Dad...I can't know.  I can't know what the sidewalk is." 

I am a self proclaimed "Right Warrior."  I don't like to be wrong, I even more hate when I am right and still wrong.  And unfortunately I have been blessed and more so cursed with an elephant brain.  I never forget.  I can hear the tone of the voice when something is said and it helps me recall the conversation word for word.  I can't account for how I or others communicate the conversation, but I can remember what is said.  I call it a curse because I can remember all the hurtful things I hear.  My sister in law Melina is the nicest, kindest most Christlike person out there, I told her its a lot in part attributed to her opposite memory.  She can't remember conversations from last week.  Don't worry, I remind her what was said :)  I think that I have become a "Right Warrior" because if I am in an argument or discussion with someone who doesn't recall what was said and done, I will fight tooth and nail to prove what was really said.  Not a good trait. 

My sister and I have a special bond.  No one makes me laugh more than her.  She has a brilliant mind and with that comes awesome wit that makes me gut laugh till I have tummy ache.  She has a very logic brain, she is a math wizard.  She used to take upper division math classes in College just to improve her GPA.  Me...not so much.  I learn completely different.  I couldn't read a book to save my life.  I would literally read a chapter that was assigned over and over 10 times over without being able to tell you a single character or plot.  I can however tell you all the million other things that passed my brain while I read.  Communication comes from the result of how our brain functions, so you can imagine how different Heather and I communicate.  Which isn't a problem when we're talking about most anything.  Its probably why she's my favorite person to laugh with, she sees a different perspective to the joke than I do.  Her wit is incredible.  However, its what makes us fight like you wouldn't believe.  She communicates on a very logical level, I communicate with more girly emotion.  And when I am mad or hurt, my brain runs twice as fast as when I read because I am thinking about all the million things I am trying to say.  So instead of just plainly telling her exactly why I am hurt or upset, I use metaphors or stories and I may as well be speaking spanish to her.  So we fight.  And we usually don't resolve it well because we can't find a way to say something in the way that we want it communicated.  See....right now I am trying to think of how to explain it and all I can think of is a story to help illustrate. 

My brother Scott was graduating from Boise state with his Masters.  Heather and I together have a gaggle of kids and our husbands couldn't go up with us to Boise as early as we wanted to so we decided to attempt it together.  That would be 5 kids under 6, (I was about 7 months pregnant with Sam).  I LOVE spending car rides with Heather so it was a great plan.  We get in the car and the worry wart dad that we have, bless his heart, forced us to stop at Cost Co to check my tires so that we wouldn't turn into stranded Damsels in Distress on the side of the road with 5 little kids.  It worked out well, Heather needed to stop and get some pictures anyway and we could grab pizza and hotdogs for the kids.  So I waited in the car with the kids while she ran in.  The kids were getting antsy.  They were hungry and impatient.  They were simultaneously shouting orders of juice, food, and what to watch on the DVD and I was helpless to stop it.  So I started texting Heather wondering her ETA.  She came out and we started dibbying out food and juice to the masses.  Connor starts crying and hollering that he wanted Pizza, not a hot dog and I reached my limit and turned around and bit.  "Connor...I'm doing the best I can.  I can only go so fast.  RELAX!"  Heather, recognizing the pregnant impatience in my voice, calmly said with a smile, "Are you ok?" and I immediately came back out of my incredible Hulk state and apologized to Connor and sat there quietly feeling awful. 

Her husband Michael spent the weekend with us last weekend for Sam's blessing and we got on the subject of that weekend that Heather and I ended fighting over.  I couldn't understand what in the world I had done wrong and hadn't talked to her because I was over fighting with her.  I was right and thats all that mattered.  Michael told me her end that I at the time had failed to understand. I am a pretty punctual person, I don't have a lot of patience for people who aren't. Heather takes a WHOLE lot of heat for occasionally being late and for reasons that are usually out of her control. She was also unknown to me pregnant, which are not typical pregnancies. She is currently finishing out her 23 week of pregnancy permanently stuck in her bed with an IV. And for you women out there, you know the hormones that are through the roof when you're pregnant. (I'm trying to paint the picture of the perfect storm of events about to take place). She was running around that morning doing her best to accomodate me, I had no idea she was so worried about being on time. I guess the "Right Warrior" in me has punished her a little too severely in the past for not being faster. I was fine, I actually thought we were making great progress. I had no idea she was so worried.  When she had gone in for the pictures, the line was extra long and she was getting an anxiety attack I'm sure stressing over the fact that she was getting more behind and I was going to be mad.  When she got back in the car, she assumed that I was mad at her instead of frustrated with the "over it" kids in the back.

There were more events that weekend, but it started with a ball of miscommunication.  The specifics don't matter because in the end it boils down to one thing.  CONtent over INtent.  At the end of the day, it is all that mattered.  We spend so much time being "Right Warriors" crusading over the content, not ever looking at the INtent.  Although like my dad was, we are probably justified in our actions, we punish others for what they "can't know."  Heather loves me.  I know that she does.  I know that she would never allow anyone to hurt me let alone hurt me herself, and in the end that is ALL that matters.  In the end it doesn't matter where to place the blame and who caused it, all that matters is what they had intended to do.  Did Heather ever intend to hurt me or make me mad, no she was just doing her best with what she had.  I didn't stop to understand the other perspective I was too busy being right.

The other part of that is the act of "trying to clear the air."  If done improperly, you may pollute more than you're clearing.  My sister in law Jayme calls it a "You suck and this is why" session.  If we looked at eachother for the good, clinging to what we deep down know about their intent the specifics of the situation or conversation no longer matters.  What matters is giving others the benefit of the doubt, always.  Especially when YOU think they're wrong.  Punishing someone because they learn and communicate differently than you is harmful and cruel.  In the end it is so important to love them until you find a way to learn their language.  There tends to be a whole lot less of collateral damage in the mean time.

If any of this "word vomit" made sense to you, bravo.  If you can keep up with my train of thought I don't know if you should be proud or worried, either way, thanks for the ear.

I