Whenever I drive alone, I let my mind wander. I usually listen to music and just think. Yesterday I was driving home from St George and a song came on and immediately I'm in tears. Partially happy tears out of gratitude for all that I have been given and all the things in this life that make me so happy. But also partially because, especially lately, I wonder if I'm doing my part.
Will my kids remember me as the mom that loves them, adores them, would do anything in this world for them? Or will they remember the stressed, anxiety ridden, never doing enough mom like I usually feel like I am most days? There is such a hard balance I find myself fighting against every day that leave me feeling like I don't measure up. Like I'm barely a good enough mom for 3 so what business do I have of having 4? I know that a lot of moms feel this way, I know that I'm not the only one and this is not a "fishing" for reassurance post, I am not looking for compliments that will make me feel better. I just want my kids to be able to read this book that I intend on making and know that I did my best, even on the days that I fail miserably and lose my patience. Am I being as kind as Melina, or as good of a wife as Jayme? Do I think of others constantly like Grandma Karen, am I as smart as Heather or as good of a cook? Am I an awesome gardener like Bev, do I faithfully and without question do things for others like my mom? Do I spend the time cleaning my house and doing the things that a "good wife" does, or do I instead build Connor's train track? And do I look ragged or spend the time getting ready for Jim. There isn't possibly enough time in the day to do it all, so I just go to bed most nights feeling beaten down and miserably defeated. How can you possibly balance it all?
Then I think of the song I was listening to...If I only had today. What are the things that matter most if I just had today? So instead of losing my patience today, after Lauren or Lilly walloped the other, I looked at them through different eyes. Not the impatient, "why can't you be nice eyes" but the eyes of only being able to see them...today. The impatience and anger went away, love returned. There are many times in the day that I catch myself saying, "Oh when are these kids going to grow up and be able to do more on their own?" But then I remind myself that one day, when they're far more independant than I'd like them to be, I'll wish they were this size again. Innocent and pure, trusting and childlike. I'll miss Lauren's sweet little voice telling me thank you for dinner, or Connor screaming with delight when Jim comes home. I'll long for the days when Lilly will refuse wear little girl panties when Connor's are so much more comfy and cool. I will miss all of them wanting to be read to, wanting to be played with, wanting more juice and ketchup on everything. I'll miss Lauren's excitement and optimism, Connor's sweet innocent curiousity, and I'll miss Lilly wanting to "hold you." All of the things that tend to occupy my time are good things, but are they more important than them?
And of course my sweet, caring Jim. I am beyond blessed that he decided to go ahead and marry me with all my crazy. He is kind, patient, and so much better of a dad than I'll ever be a mom. He never tires of playing with the kids, no matter how long or hard of a day he's had. He never complains, never thinks twice to let me go to bed and puts the kids to sleep when I'm sick or just worn out. He lets me know daily that he loves me and doesn't point out all the times I come up short. He works hard so we could have all the things we do and never complains. He honors his priesthood and puts his family first. Do I return the favor? Do I make sure he has all the things he needs? Do I stop what I'm doing to listen to my family? Do I disregard everything else so that they know they are most important? If not, I need to do better. I want my family to know how much I love them and am so thankful to be their mom and wife. Undeserving most days, but ever so grateful.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
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3 comments:
I love this song!!!! Last year my sisters, mom, and I went to Time Out for Women in Vegas and Hilary Weeks was the performer and she sang this song. I immediately bought the cd and listened to it over and over. It is so perfect. I love Hilary Week's songs. You should listen to "Just Let me Cry" and "Unwritten." Two of my other favorites of hers besides "If I only had today." I loved your video by the way. SO CUTE!!!!
Sweet Mari, I love you. You are incredible! I hate days when those feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy plague me, and I'm so sorry you've had to feel those nasty things!! That song is my very favorite one of Hilary's! It speaks to my heart too. I don't know anyone that has the juggling act of motherhood exactly figured out, but I think you are absolutely fabulous at it. I love when you bring your kids over here while we are practicing, and you always manage to keep one on your hip and two others entertained! You do have a big load, so please don't be hard on yourself!! You are an amazing mom, always look gorgeous, dedicate your life to serving others, and share your gift of music daily with your family and so often with our community. May the Lord bless you to see yourself as He does and so many of us Mari adorers (is that a word?? :)) Love and big hugs! Tonight is going to be fun!!
Well Mari
After spending the night with Preston in the ER not being able to breath this song could not be more perfect. I am sitting her crying looking at him sitting in his chair with his blankets and pillow pet...(you should know what that is :)) and I realize that without him I am nothing....So thanks for the tears ; ) and thank you for making me appreciate the litle things in life that matter.
Kate
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