Went to the doctor up north, to the voice dissorder clinic at the U. Good and bad. Bad because everyone on the internet and elsewhere had told me that this was the place to go, regardless of whether you were in Utah...I got my hopes up that this was the end of the nightmare. I figured that they had to have had cases like mine and would therefore know what to do. Got there, and they stuck a camera down my throat to look at my vocal cords adn how they were working (or not working). He had me sing scales and the times when a note would come out, you could see the cords massaging eachother and vibrating the way that they should, but all the sudden my voice would break and nothing would come out...you could see the cords just stop..they wouldn't move at all. There was nothing physically wrong, which was obviously good for obvious reasons, but bad because it was still a mystery. I asked if they had seen cases like mine before.... he said that they had seen cases where people had lost their voice for one reason or another, but not from having a baby. So frustrating. So, I have to go back on the 17th where they will stick a needle in the muscles in my throat, to test the nerves. If its the nerves, theres nothing they can do. It will be a permanent condition, if the nerves are ok, there's a good chance that therapy will fix this problem.
I can't tell you how frustrating and devastating this whole thing is. I look at Connor and ache to sing to him the way I remember my mom singing for me, and it breaks my heart when I can't. I feel like I've lost my identity. For the longest time, this was my heart and my passion. It got me through bad years and I just miss it more than I can describe. I'll update after this next appointment, hopefully it will have good news.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Update on voice drama...
Posted by Mari Burgess at 7:29 PM
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4 comments:
Well, I'm glad to hear that you have access to one of the best clinics, but very sorry to hear they aren't sure why, much less how to fix it. Regardless, I am sure this must be very difficult to understand and go through.
Not to highjack the comments, but here is a question for Grandma - I know you don't sing a whole lot anymore. Did you stop because you couldn't hear or because you couldn't sing? Maybe I'm way off base, but is it possible that this is genetic in some way and triggered by an environmental exposure(even stress like having a baby?)?
Mom and I have actually talked about it, I mentioned it to Dr Smith and he wanted me to get a history of that as well as the thyroid problems that our family has. He said that he highly doubts it being a thyroid problem but wanted to be thorough. Either way, they definately seem the best and am hopeful that monday will be better. Thanks for the thought, good to hear from you.
You know this is very interesting to me and worrisome. I am trying to pinpoint some time when I can say a couldn't sing anymore. The last time I tried to was at a funeral in Las Vegas, singing "Going Home" It was so bad and traumatic for me I never attempted it again. After Venita was born I started to lose control of my high notes and little by little it just seemed to get worse. It was during this time however that the tumor on my heart began to grow and for the next two years lots of pain and stress with doctors trying to figure out what the problem was. When the teratoma was removed I contracted staph and that was another trauma. The Surgeon told me the tumor had tenacles going up into my throat some but they felt my vocal cords had not been damaged. I have always just assumed I lost my voice because of the tumor. Now I'm not sure. My voice was never the same after that. I still would sing some but was very careful in my selections of music. My control was very limited and finally gone. Then my hearing started going. Mari, my sweetheart, I feel in my heart what you are experiencing. Singing was a great joy for me and the only really way I was able to express myself truly. I still mourn it but try to not think about it anymore. Grandma Robison also seemed to lose control of her voice as she got older but we just counted it as another aging process. Now I'm not sure. She also had thyroid disease. After moving to Vegas and after the "Going Home" trauma I had my vocal cords checked. Nothing negative was found. My life has seen so many stressful times and I have just figured it is all stress related. I would have times that were better than others for no reason that I could figure out. That's why I just thought it was a stress related thing but now I'm not sure about that either. Who knows. I hope it isn't related to the hearing loss also. Not being able to sing was such a loss, not even being able to hear and enjoy it is sometimes more than I can cope with. I pray this will not be something that is genetic. Mari I love you honey and the only way to cope is leave it in the Lord's hand and bow to his will. That's the only way you can survive. It's been very hard for me to understand and I still have my pity parties but I know how blessed I am in so many ways. Try to have great faith and hope and all will be ok. I'll see you soon.
Grandma, I hope I tell enough times and in enough ways how much I love you. I never knew you sang... I guess it was long before I was born. Lately mom has told me more and more of how you used to sing and right now I feel like your kindred spirit. Thank you for letting me know all this. I fly to SLC tomarrow for the day he wanted a complet family history for him. This really does help.
For all the times that I thought that I had learned the, "trust in the Lord with all thy might, and lean not unto your own understanding," I'm really having a hard time with his. Its the same principal with Connor, I wanted a baby in my own time... on my own terms, the exact moment when I let go was when I got pregnant...it only took three years to learn that lesson.
I'll let you know. I probably won't get a chance to post till tuesday or so. I sure love you.
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